let the song play.

I am a DJ. Or at least I appear to be whenever I listen to music. See, I can't listen to an entire song for the life of me. I'm skipping around and already trying to find something else to listen to before what's currently playing even hits the 30 second mark. Before I've even given the song a fair chance, I've made up my mind it's not really even any good and before you know it I'm saying to myself "boy... do I need some new music to listen to". 

I find this problematic because I handle my life just about the same way I handle my music: hastily making up in my mind what's no good before I've truly given it a chance, constantly trying to fast forward to something better and ideally more optimal. And while I don't know what grand experiences I've possibly missed out on - I was too busy fast forwarding, you know - I know there must have been a few. I say this with conviction knowing there have been quite a few glorious moments I've experienced on accident, when I never intended my interest to even stick around that long. It reminds me of getting my hair done in a salon where music plays throughout. Maybe a song will come on that I've never really liked, or more than likely never really listened to start to finish. I'm sitting there wishing I could change it but I know I'm helpless. So, I listen. And what do you know? More often than not I end up liking it and wondering why I never gave it a chance in the first place. 

What I've gathered from my musical ADD is that rushing through life's moments, always and constantly anticipating better, more optimal conditions, leaves you looking back and wondering what great things you've possibly missed out on. For the most part, things are never as bad or boring or unpleasant as we may think. Through optimism and patience and persistence we learn that living in the moments, instead of looking for those to come, are what positively impact the foundations we build for our future. 

 

So. Be patient. Let the song play. You might just like it.

hold your breath, you just might die.

I had an interesting conversation the other night with one of the people who contributed their personal beliefs and convictions to my last entry, "this we believe". Let's call her Daisy. Daisy's contribution revolved around the subject of karma, an interesting, and to me somewhat problematic, concept "which explains causality through a system where beneficial effects are derived from past beneficial actions and harmful effects from past harmful actions, creating a system of actions and reactions throughout a soul's reincarnated lives forming a cycle of rebirth" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karma_(Hinduism).

That's all well and good but, in my opinion, most people who believe in and preach about the power of karma do so from a position of resentment, hoping and relying on the notion that one day someone or something that caused them immediate harm will get theirs. I've never heard someone who so firmly believed in karma talk about all those beneficial effects deriving from past beneficial actions, and so my definition as karma is something more along the lines of a Carrie Fisher quote: "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die".

Daisy said "I gotta tell myself 'it's gonna come back to them' to even make it through the day sometimes. Everybody needs something to believe in. Something to reassure themselves that it'll all work out fairly". I felt that and took a moment to internalize what exactly she was saying because I too had been there. We all know how it feels to just want things to be fair. But that's just it. Things are never exactly fair, no matter how much we desperately want or need them to be.

This all reminds me of a Bon Iver song, "The Wolves". Ellie Goulding (whom I'm somewhat obsessed with) did a cover that I actually prefer but the song talks about parting ways with a loved one and how, more times than not, one person moves on before the other. She sings,

"Someday my pain, someday my pain
Will mark you
Harness your blame, harness your blame
And walk through"

It's as if she's waiting for the day it'll all come back around to him and he'll "harness" the blame in her hurt. Sounds fair, right? But then again there's a good chance he just might move on happily forever and never look back and that while she's singing, "what might have been lost -", he's saying "don't bother me". And what's worse than indifference when you're still hurting>

But, as I told Daisy, "Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. Amazing things happen to terrible people. I believe in closure, in carrying on with the process of living even if those who harm us never see reprimand, even if they're never apologetic or aware of the fact they've hurt us. I believe happiness and the ability to heal should not and cannot be on the condition that someone eventually gets theirs. We'd hold our breath for such and well, quite honestly might die waiting for it".

this we believe.

Inspired by NPR's "This I Believe", a collection of personal doctrines as told by everyday, and not-so-everyday, people. I want to thank my mother for forcing us to listen to NPR everyday on our morning car rides.

I asked people, and eventually myself when the question was thrown right back at me, what they believed in. I have included our responses, beginning with my own. Each break (-) denotes a new person. I hope you enjoy.

*This is still a work in progress. Additionally, I'm doing everything from my iPhone right now so excuse any misspellings and/or typos. 
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I believe in a Maker, but not necessarily that I am intended any more than this one miraculous life of mine. I believe in feigning happiness until it's real; in myself and my capabilities; in everyone's inherent right to be free and feel good; in doing what others say you cannot. I believe in great sex and good books. I believe in immersing myself in words and in surrounding myself with people who make me think but more importantly laugh. I believe windex is one of man's greatest inventions and that you can never have too many pillows. I believe our greatest calls to action and change are our experiences, and often times mistakes, that shame us most. I believe in love, and although most times it resembles someone throwing themselves headfirst against cement, I believe in bandaging the wounds and throwing one's self again, if not harder. I believe the greatest thing you can give another is your time. I believe in conversations, not monologues; coca-cola, never diet; loyalty, not convenience. I firmly believe that the most beautiful gift I've been afforded has been this magnificent burst of colors and sounds and shapes that make up my existence, and that even if nothingingness follows, it will be enough.
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I believe in following your heart at that very moment because deep down we knows what’s best, even if what’s best changes daily. Forgiveness is a huge one because I’ve messed up thousands of times and was truly sorry. Respecting your body, which is why I’ve been celibate over a year; accepting others for who they are. I’ve started believing a little in astrology and how signs work and I’m cool with people based on their energy and vibes. It’s very easy to sense hidden motives in my opinion. And though I absolutely hate this about me, I rarely do things based on emotion. And I absolutely follow silence speaks volumes. I’m still not sure how I feel about Heaven. I’ve changed my views so many times though I do believe it’s true that you can’t hate God and not believe in Him at the same time. I believe we all have a soulmate in this world that may not necessarily be someone you date. I believe Ralph Lauren is the best perfume. I believe money makes the world go around but the best things in life are free and irreplaceable. My mom’s old bf used to say if God made anything better than water, He kept it for Himself and I see why now. And I also think love is a gift and a curse at the same time.
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I believe in myself. I believe that if you set your mind on impossible you will accomplish improbable which is good enough for me. I believe in expectations and don’t worry about disappointment. I believe in good sex and great head. I believe that jello and orange juice are the best foods on earth and I believe that happiness in a relationship comes when both people have an indepth sense of commonplace.
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I believe in the necessity of creative expression, the healing powers of laughter and a good hug; destiny/fate, the power of love, and the presence of a higher power.
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I believe in honesty and communication.
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I believe in life.
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I believe in life. I believe in love. I believe in controlling my anger. I believe in hope even when things are hopeless. I believe in releasing my anger has led to less stress.
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I believe in God. I believe that He writes each of our stories before we are even born. He knows our hearts because He made us the way we are. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in living life to the fullest even if you step on a few toes.
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Myself is what I believe in.
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My life used to be governed by society but then I became my own person and now I live life for me, embracing the mind given to me. I think for myself. I believe in a higher being. I govern my life based on the morals and values instilled in me as a child, which include honesty, faith, trust, respect, integrity, selfless service, and love.
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I believe in living in the moment. But I feel like you gotta give respect to earn it. And I live my life fast, but I like to sometimes sit and enjoy the small things. And I always like to learn.
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I believe in the overall good of mankind. Keep your heels high and your expectations low. I believe that happiness is a choice you can make in any circumstance.
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I try and not judge, picture myself in their shoes, respect people’s opinions and treat others how I would like to be treated. But I also let people know I could be your best friend or your worst enemy as well. I also don’t talk about people behind their back that I am friends with and respect.
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I believe in God and family and energy.
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I believe that relationships are the most important thing in the world and that our sole purpose in life is to uphold positive relationships with everything around you.
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I believe in Karma, heavy.
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The first thing that comes to mind is love. I try to act in a loving manner towards everyone. To love someone, for me, is to be willing to extend oneself to nourish your own and another’s growth. I love through sharing knowledge/lessons and by asking questions.
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I believe in loyalty and becoming successful.
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I believe in diversity.
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I always try to perpetuate positivity when I interact with people because I feel like everything you say to or about people multiplies in magnitude as it’s passed from mouth to mouth. Saying negative things about people in effect ends up surrounding you with negativity because everyone in your friend circle is talking about it.
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I am a strong believer in Karma. I believe that people will treat you the way that you treat other people. I believe if you intentionally do something to hurt someone then later down the road you will also be hurt. “Why do bad things happen to good people?” kind of shows that if you treat people bad, its expected that you will be treated bad and people aren’t at all as confused about why a bad thing happened to you. Have you ever noticed how nice people radiate happiness and seem so incredibly approachable? The goodness they have on the inside makes it hard to do them wrong, but a person who has bad inside, for lack of better words, seems unpleasant to be around. I believe that's karma at work. If you observe a person for long enough, just watch them when they don't realize they're being watched, you can get a glimpse at their insides. So many times I've been guilty of judging people before I know them. I've been rude to some of the nicest people. And when I got to know them, guilt consumed me. Now, when people do that same thing to me, I'm accepting it. I truly do see it as my karma, as my punishment for once being on the other end of the stick and being the person who judged. 
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Just be light about things. Never take anything to seriously and try not to hold grudges.
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I believe the children are our future. For real though. And these parents need to actually raise their children so they can become valuable members of society and not thugs, wanna be rappers, video hoes, whores in general or spoiled rich brats with a sense if entitlement with no work ethic. I also believe that you should always treat people well. Even the people we don't like. I believe that everyone is crazy so when finding a significant other you just have to find someone whose crazy matches your crazy.  I also believe that laughter is usually the best medicine. Although sometimes penicillin works better.
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I believe in honesty, trust, and karma.
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I believe in fate, treating people how you wanna be treated and second chances. I believe in karma.
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My central belief is being as righteous as possible (not necessarily on a religious angle). So doing the things and being the person that is the least controversial to the most people. I guess that's one way to put it... Although I'm not exactly primarily concerned with pleasing people and getting by under the radar. On another note I do (hopefully reasonably) maintain a hint of arrogance and self absorption... Wanting to be seen, wanted, envied, and admired. But it's something I actively strive to keep in check. Realizing that world does not revolve around me and I'm not the center of any universe occuring outside of my own head. Moreover, I want to make an impact on the people who's life I have a place in. My parents, brother, nieces, younger family, best friends, close friends, mentees, and lover. I despertately want their respect and admiration. Legit. I want to deserve it... FEEL I deserve it, ya know? And it goes without saying, I want to be in love. Apparently, that's huge for me.
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I believe that every being has a God, for lack of a better term, in and around themself. A force that helps dictate their decisions on a conscious and unconscious level. And hence, should act accordingly because when it comes down to it, were all in the same struggle. Each body is filled with and thrives off of energy, if you will, which feeds this force. I feel as if, in a sense, all human conflict revolves around an on-going battle in which we all try to draw this energy from one another in order to build our own spirits to do whatever we see fit. But in actuality there is enough of this "energy" in our environment to more than sustain all of our beings and if we could all learn how to channel it from around us instead of attempting to gain it from each other the human race would move progressively forward at exponential speeds because time and energy will no longer be wasted on trivial issues. Instead of, for example, spending unheard of amounts of money on the military and drug enforcement, we might actually have a cure for cancer AIDS or even eliminate world hunger.
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I believe that the human spirit is inherently good.
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I believe in integrity, honesty, faith and respect to put it simply.

For a happy life, want what you have

I love my hands. Sometimes I become fixated while washing them, meticulously lathering each finger with soap before rinsing, holding them in front of me to admire the lines, birth marks, and tattoo that make them my own.  It's not so much that they are anything remarkable so much as the fact that they are mine... and that I have them. That's when I start considering those in the world living without use of their hands, or without them at all. I recently watched one of those personal short documentaries on CNN.com where a woman showed how she functioned without use of her arms. She did everything with her feet, down to changing her baby's diaper. I was both amazed and inspired, however ashamed that I take something seemingly so given in life for granted. Hands are not a given; just as a job isn't to the unemployed or a mother to someone who recently lost their own. The majority of our fortunes are not our own because of some grand accomplishment or testament of character. They are no indication of personal merit and we are not entitled to them. Most of them found us by chance, just as our misfortunes did and will continue to do. Believing this helps me better understand just how blessed I am - not deserving, but blessed. And in these times, when it is far easier to focus on and long for what we believe we don't have, it becomes all the more crucial to learn to be joyous and amazed by what we do.

Après la pluie, le beau temps.

Atlanta has experienced ridiculous weather so far this year. There's been a crazy amount of rain that's led to flooding, on top of snow storms that have left roads difficult to travel. And now there's a thick layer of pollen that's coated the city in yellow. But I'll take the pollen, because with it comes prettier days, higher temperatures, and sunshine that threatens to actually give me a good tan :) What I'm basically trying to say is that I most definitely would not appreciate this beautiful, however pollen-ridden, weather had it not been for the tumultuous weather we've experienced as of late. Which brings me to my larger point, that "après la pluie, le beau temps," or "after rains come, good weather".

I've realized it is truly impossible to fully appreciate your blessings when there have been no disappointments to consider. Adversity preceding growth, growth allowing room to further develop as an individual, to redefining perspectives, goals, and relationships, all of which play intricate roles in shaping our character. Through experience, failures and disappointments, we learn how to be, do, and appreciate better. Can't say I particularly enjoy adversity, especially at the very moment it is being experienced, but the feelings of pride and accomplishment that come through persistence are well worth it.

"... When Somebody Loves You Back"

Call me crazy but I don’t think most people mean to hurt others. Malicious intentions require energy and effort and plotting and well, I know I don’t care that much to devote my time in such a negative fashion to another individual. I’m sure I’ve considered it but then again I’m just not that dedicated. Knowing I’ve hurt people anyway (however unintentionally) and in turn remembering being hurt by others who never truly meant me any harm has got me to thinking about where it all comes from.  I’d like to think of this phenomenon as a deviance from the 50/50 rule, when two people simply aren’t on the same page, leaving room for misunderstandings that often leave people disappointed.

Relationships depend on interest and effort. Whoever cares less and puts forth less effort typically controls the relationship, seeing as the person more heavily involved has invested more and therefore has more to lose when things don’t turn out the way they’d want them to. For me, this has applied both intimately and with friends. I’ve often caught myself thinking how could someone do this to me when in all actuality I should’ve accepted we simply weren’t on the same page and moved on. I know I’ve too done it to other people, maybe casually dating someone who in my opinion cared far too much and in the end being accused of leading them on. And well, that’s just no fun at all.  I’d suggest being more honest in situations like those, as I myself have tried to do more often, but then again that’s not always the easiest to do. Oy vei.

But anyways, let me tell you… there’s nothing like a 50/50 love, meaning equal interest and equal effort, that person "you don't mind going the middle of the road" for. While that particularly goes for intimate relationships, it also applies to friendships. When you’re on the same page, shit is just less likely to hit the fan. 

There will be exceptions. But keep in mind that a tremendous amount of energy can be saved by just learning to roll with the punches and understanding most people just don’t care enough to intentionally hurt you. 

This I Believe

I firmly believe the opposite of Love is not Hate. It is Indifference. Consider common beliefs regarding the afterlife. If making it to Heaven is the sum of God’s love and to Hell His fury and wrath, would not indifference represent nothingness, or His non-existence? And would you not rather be in Hell, knowing ultimately there is a God and you merely failed to live well, than to experience a nothingness that means there was no God to begin with? I had this conversation not too long ago with someone who argued if he wound up in Hell he would not rejoice knowing there was in fact a God, he’d simply be mad he was there. But I’d rejoice. Because to hate someone represents a continued exertion of their energy, proof of their existence and their ability to still regard you – even if only with antipathy. Hate is just as powerful as Love and, in my opinion, only a mere extension. Ultimately, I rather God hold me in contempt than to not exist at all. That being said, I am not afraid of Hell – I am afraid of nothing.